Do you often start sentences with, “When I was a kid?”
Have you finally let your grey hair show through?
Has it been years since you showed proof of age?
Do you buy that blue-tinted shampoo?

Do you take vitamins by the ounce, not the tablet?
Are your teeth in a jar by the bed?
Have you ever resorted to wearing Depends?
Does your comb-over cover most of your head?

Can you relate experiences from fifty years ago
yet not remember what you did today?
Are your boobs and gut hanging much lower than before?
Can you hear more than two feet away?

Are you prone to belching or releasing toxic gas
when a grandchild pulls on your finger?
Do you hate the kinds of music that’s popular nowadays
and remember Rudy Vallee as your favorite singer?

Do you save your best nighties for emergency use
and fall asleep before the seven o’clock news?
Have you watched The Weather Channel eight hours in a row?
Are you wearing ugly orthopedic shoes?

Have your eyebrows grown bushy with wiry, white hairs
that seem to stick out every which way?
Has your eyesight grown fuzzy? Is your skin weathered with age?
Is waking up the most surprising part of your day?

Are your waistbands elastic and your hose the support kind?
Is your closet full of clothes that don’t fit?
Do varicose veins and age spots enhance your complexion?
Are your pants and belt under your armpit?

Is your favorite part of the paper the Obituary section?
Do you often find old friends listed there?
Do you shop exclusively in stores with rest rooms?
Are you constantly plucking chin and nose hair?

Do you get tuckered out just taking a bath
and bending over to trim your toenails?
Are you usually constipated no matter what you eat
or fill your britches when your anal muscle fails?

Have the police ever stopped you for going too slow?
Do you have your doctor’s number on speed dial?
When you take out the garbage or dust the TV,
do you have to stop and rest for awhile?

Is your age an excuse for your crotchety behavior?
Have you left your fly open and flashed the neighborhood?
Don’t let it embarrass you or cause you to fret
‘cause you’ve made it to Geezerhood!

Kathleen McCoy Eldridge©
March 4, 2007
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